We started out as friends -- the best kind. I once noted in my personal blog (ok, diary) that I could tell Roberto would someday be a great husband (and maybe particularly attractive). He was my first boyfriend. When we were dating, I dusted off a list of ten or fifteen crucial things I once made of non-negotiables I required in a husband -- and checked off every single one of them. So when he asked me to marry him, there wasn't too much to think about. There's no doubt in my mind that it'll end with rocking chairs and clasped, wrinkly hands.
 |
| Photo by Cintia Ally |
I'm lucky. I know because every time I have trouble finding that perfect dress for a special occasion, or just the right photographer to hire for a portrait session, I find myself half-joking that it was easier to find a husband; because fact is, it's not even that easy to find a friend.
Now when I say friend, I mean an actual friend. Someone you make long-term investments in because frankly, they're deserving of your friendship. If I've learned one thing about friends in 23 years, it's that no friends are absolutely better than bad ones. Being a military wife, friends come and go and are scattered throughout the country --- so settling for someone because they're in the same zip code and sport a pulse can definitely be a temptation.
Through the years I've had my share of true bffs, but I've also invested frustrating amounts of time I'll never get back into ones who didn't deserve ten seconds. I'm almost more thankful for the latter, because I've learned so much more about what a friend should be by experiencing the pain and frustration from someone who clearly wasn't.
Re-enter the "husband checklist". Although I give all the credit to God for finding my Knight in Shining Armor, it didn't hurt that I was purposeful about who I chose to be apart of my life. Because of this, I have no doubt that enormous amounts of baggage and heartache were prevented along the way. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" as my current fave cliche goes; so as Roberto and I slowly prepare for the next chapter of our lives, I thought I'd adopt the idea of a "checklist" for a new circle of friends.
So here goes. Fifteen things, in order of immediate importance, on a list I should have made a long time ago.
My next friend...
#1 - WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT ANYONE BEHIND THEIR BACK.
Especially if it's a mutual friend. Heel to the no, honey. Everyone knows that if you're talking about them, you either have been or will be talking about me. No one but no one is exempt from the insatiable appetite of a gossip. I'm not innocent, but I have decided to be very proactive about this in my relationships. If I'm smart, the first time you talk crap will be the last time we hang out.
#2 - WOULDN'T STAND ME UP.
This is Consideration 101. If she makes plans with me, she better not break them on a whim. Plans are your word --- something I take very seriously and try very hard to keep. Not gonna lie, blatant inconsideration is a major peeve of mine and has lead me to end friendships. If you're going to do this, honesty is of course preferable to made-up excuses that serve as a slap in the face.
#3 - WOULDN'T ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING THAT COULD BORE ME TO TEARS.
This is Consideration 101. If she makes plans with me, she better not break them on a whim. Plans are your word --- something I take very seriously and try very hard to keep. Not gonna lie, blatant inconsideration is a major peeve of mine and has lead me to end friendships. If you're going to do this, honesty is of course preferable to made-up excuses that serve as a slap in the face.
#3 - WOULDN'T ASK ME TO DO ANYTHING THAT COULD BORE ME TO TEARS.
If it makes my friend happy, it makes me happy --- most of the time. But questions such as "I gotta go to the DMV... wanna go with?" can be quite frustrating for a few reasons.
We both know the honest answer is um, NO. But there's also that underlying message of "We both know your time isn't that valuable; and let's be honest, I'm important enough to have an escort" that I can't get past. I try to not even ask such things of my spouse. I'm not concerned with boredom or inconvenience; I will give rides home from the eye doctor or wait in emergency rooms all day long because that is what friends do. But if I suspect I'm being an escort, you'll be going everywhere alone --- and receiving a blow-up doll and an electric blanket this year for Christmas because it's clear that all you want is a warm body to sit next to your ego. Just for practice, the conversation "Do you want to go shopping and get our nails done?""I'd love to! Oh, but I don't have the money right now." "Sucks. Will you go with me as I go shopping and get my nails done?" SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. Which leads me to #3---
We both know the honest answer is um, NO. But there's also that underlying message of "We both know your time isn't that valuable; and let's be honest, I'm important enough to have an escort" that I can't get past. I try to not even ask such things of my spouse. I'm not concerned with boredom or inconvenience; I will give rides home from the eye doctor or wait in emergency rooms all day long because that is what friends do. But if I suspect I'm being an escort, you'll be going everywhere alone --- and receiving a blow-up doll and an electric blanket this year for Christmas because it's clear that all you want is a warm body to sit next to your ego. Just for practice, the conversation "Do you want to go shopping and get our nails done?""I'd love to! Oh, but I don't have the money right now." "Sucks. Will you go with me as I go shopping and get my nails done?" SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. Which leads me to #3---
#4 - WOULD NEVER USE ME (OR ANYBODY).
Another no-brainer, really. Been there, done that, the bus is leaving to middle school. I find a lot of joy in giving, but no one deserves something they've made up their mind not to do to anybody else.
#5 - GETS CUTE FOR GIRL'S NIGHT OUT.
I'm not asking that we look like the Kardashians, but feeling overdressed because I'm not wearing my husband's t-shirt, my comfiest pair of jeans and no make-up to dinner on a Saturday night is depressing. I know it's just me, but this strikes me as absolutely no fun and I have no desire to understand it. At all.
#6 - CAN HANDLE / APPRECIATE HONESTY.
So many girls remind me of Kelly Kapoor: "Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?" Unlike some girls who swear they hate drama and then proceed to create it, I really do detest the stress that is brought into a relationship by communication that is only speckled with genuinity.
#7 - DOESN'T THINK THIS IS A COMPETITION.
Oh, you know. "Everything you can do I can do better." And, "You're into that? Oh well I'm into that." "You bought what? I'm on my way to the store now." "You're innocently sharing your excitement that you might be going to Ireland? Well I've been looking into airfare to New Zealand since 4 seconds ago." Some people are perfectly content with what they have and where they're at, and if they aspire for more it's for none other than their own personal satisfaction. I'm not the kind of friend who wants, needs, or can stand that, so if you are, I promise you would die from lack of stimulation.
#8 - DOESN'T HAVE TO SPEND MONEY TO HAVE FUN.
I don't need distracted from life with nonstop entertainment or pleasure, or desire to spend spend spend to have a good time; just being together should be a good time --- no supplements required. The main concern here is that the type of person who always has to spend is usually someone who considers home peddies, kettle popcorn and Netflix an absolute last resort. Just personally, that is not a person I wanna spend many weekends with!
This may seem silly, but the person who is constantly and unquestionably assuming the drivers seat is usually if not always the type of person who does so to let everyone else in the car know that they're in control and, whatever happens during the time that we're about to have, she ultimately calls the shots (or otherwise just assumes we both agree she has the superior car). I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and say it's a subconscious thing, but either way I detest it --- and girls, you know its true. I was hoping that this type of thing went away after high school, but I don't think that's always the case.
#10 - KNOWS HOW TO LISTEN.
Like... listen. To actually hear and process instead of thinking about their reply/conjuring their best one-upper. I know this is kind of an unrealistic from people these days, but I can dream!
#11 - IS WILLING TO TRY NEW THINGS.
Because what fun is someone who won't try new things?!
She wouldn't get annoyed or judgmental about the things that makes us unique, because being exposed to differences is what make us better individuals. This means we'll have different priorities. Yep: we're going to think, act, respond, appreciate, and spend differently. She wouldn't be so naive as to think that differences in priorities isn't what largely defines the difference between every person in every country throughout the world, because to deny that would be to assume we're all the same.
#13 - DOESN'T TALK TRASH ABOUT HER HUSBAND.
I don't sling mud on my best friend. Don't try this! I will intentionally make things awkward.
#14 - WOULDN'T INSIST ON PAYING.
And especially wouldn't get her panties in a twist if I don't get her back. I could see how the fact that this is even on my list would strike some people as odd; we're friends, not lesbians. Yet there are those people who get something out of giving, or rather "faux giving" --- "oh let me, let me (but if you don't have my back next time, so help you...)". No, thank you. First of all, a gift should be a gift --- not some twisted burden of obligation. Second of all, if you continually insist on paying for me, you can count on me to try to break the cycle. I didn't ask you to pay for me. I don't want you to pay for me. In fact, we undoubtedly fought over you not paying for me. And anyways, there's always a short straw in this game. But basically, we're not rich, and we're not dating. Unless it's someone's birthday, I think it'd be nice if the question "Seperate checks?" was a no-brainer.
#15 - WOULDN'T EXPECT ME TO RESPOND TO THE SILENT TREATMENT.
Silence should speak nothing. Besides, this is a little pretentious, idn't it? If there's something on her mind, she'd approach it. I'm not her boyfriend, I'm not interested in being her boyfriend, and I'm not going to try to guess what I could have possibly said or done wrong or what she's thinking, because I would not expect her to do the same thing. If our friendship is going to be as much work as a marriage, count me out because I'm already in one.
I know I'm not perfect, but these are areas I feel are inexcusable for both parties. Call them petty pet peeves, call me crazy, call it however you want --- I call it preventative measures for a happier life.
We can't all have fresh starts, but we all deserve to be particular with who and how we invest our time...
What do you deserve in a friend?
